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The Eight People You Need On Every River Trip

It’s about time to hit the river for a weekend of boozin’ & toobin’ on the river! While our friends in New Braunfels, San Antonio and San Marcos have a jump on us but we’ll be heading west soon to hit the rivers! Get your friends together, book a spot and get ready to rage! Now, if this is your first time or you cannot remember the last time (because it’s been so long or you drank too much) then here’s a quick guide to who you need to bring.

  1. The Navigator – Somebody has to be in charge of directions because the phrase “too many chiefs and not enough indians” always comes to fruition on the river if there’s not a designated navigator. It only takes one cartographer to plan the route to the destination and the route at the destination. Trust this person with the directions, don’t question them and allow them to do what they do best. Navigate.
  2. The Organizer – This person doesn’t worry about anything other than making sure there is a place to sleep for as many people as were planned to arrive. Any extras that show up are not their responsibility. This person sets things up ahead of time, they send reminders, they build lists and organize the house, cabin or tent system. They will be the ones to do the head count when it’s time to pile in the transportation vehicles from location to location and this person handles the money. While difficult, it must be someone who can remain organized and steady under the influence. There’s always an influence nearby.
  3. The Bartender – Let’s be serious for a second. Not all shots are made equal and there are a lot of shots at the river. Someone has to be ready to pour or prepare the shots. Bartender can also be the beer watcher. Generally, you have an ice chest that needs tending and someone has to be trusted to be sure it doesn’t float away or get ganked. This person has to have a high alcohol tolerance.
  4. The Hoss – This person has to be strong. Maybe, the strongest person in the group because they have to help keep everyone together, physically. If the river gets shallow, someone has to help keep the group moving and that’s when this person comes in. They’re also the one who hauls the heaviest ice chest to the car and from the car and to the river and from the river. Sometimes, you need more than one Hoss.
  5. The Mom – Somebody has to oversee all that is going on and make sure nobody dies from alcohol poisoning, falling off a steep embankment or any other danger that may arise. While that seems like a tough idea to digest it’s true. Someone has to have their head screwed on straight and try NOT to be drunk. There will be a lot of alcohol and the Mom role is important to the group. Thanks Mom.
  6. The Rule Keeper – This person is in charge of games and housing stipulations. They know how every game is played, they settle disputes and they make sure everyone gets their fair share. This role can be difficult under critical circumstances because of alcohol intake but it’s imperative that somebody knows how to keep the rule of order.
  7. The Cooker – You must have food and unless you plan on living off of potato chips and deli meat you’re going to need someone who can work a grill. This person is the leader of the food making process and you will do what they ask if asked. They heat up the grill, they start the fire, they grill the meat and they are in charge of all things cooking. Dinner is served when they say it’s ready. Every group needs a cooker.
  8. The Cleaners – You may think this is the Mom but it’s not. Your mother is not here so YOU are ALL cleaners. Clean up your mess when you can and as you go so you’re not faced with a ridiculous hang over and cleaning duties at the same time. If you want to be outcasted then don’t clean and see if you catch another invite. AT LEAST, clean up after yourself.

There are always other roles that get created along the way and every group is different but if you’re going to be planning a group trip to the river you gotta cover the basics. If you don’t, you’ll end up with a huge, unorganized mess of a good time and while that isn’t the worst thing ever, I’d rather have an organized mess of a good time. Be safe, don’t pollute the water and take care of one another.

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